Sometimes proposals suck. Things go wrong, nerves get in the way, there’s a dude in Speedos blocking your beach sunset view and you’re left wondering, was that it?
You don’t want to seem ungrateful. But instead of floating in a love bubble like you expected, you feel cheated out of a magical moment and bummed that you’ve got to do a creative edit on your story so it sounds as romantic as you wished it would’ve been.
Does that mean this person isn’t right for you? Once you hear these perspectives from couples who’ve dealt with disappointing proposals, you’ll see that a moment falling short doesn’t mean your love does.
You’re not the only one – people just don’t talk about when proposals go wrong.
“It’s okay to feel disappointed. After talking with other friends, it turns out that their partners didn’t propose to them their ideal way either. “I don’t know why he did it in my mom’s house.” “I had just come back from doing laundry and was wearing sweats while he was in a tuxedo.” So what you’re feeling is not uncommon!”
“All the engagement stories I’d heard up to this point were ones that seemed like everything went right, which made me feel like ours was bad or wrong. That wasn’t actually the case!”
“I originally had feelings of low-self worth after my proposal, especially after a few friends had very well-planned proposals. I think it’s because we’re inundated with news about the best-of-the-best. It turns out the ones who had jealousy-inducing surprise proposals weren’t living the high life I’d imagined.”
Don’t let a bad proposal make you question a good relationship.
“I was questioning so much – my own expectations (was I shallow for wanting an Instagram-worthy proposal?), our communication, I was worried that this meant we weren’t compatible because he didn’t understand me or my needs. He in turn was embarrassed – his ego had taken a huge hit and he had these pictures in his mind for how happy that day was going to be and had to accept that it hadn’t gone to plan. It’s hard to explain the full scope of what we were feeling, but man it was rough.”
“Proposals are expected to feel like a movie moment but like most things in life, it doesn’t always work out that way. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or either one of you is bad!”
Was the proposal low effort or is your partner just low-key?
“I think a lot depends on what type of person your partner is. There are some people who will pull out all of the bells and whistles for an engagement and others who just aren’t really into all of that.”
“Is your partner usually a romantic, detail-oriented person who plans out intricate dates and is gushy with their language? Mine isn’t, so our proposal was fairly simple – most people would think it was “low effort”, and it certainly wasn’t “Instagram worthy”, but it matched his personality.”
“My partner is pretty chill which means grand romantic gestures aren’t really his style. I understand that he can’t be both easygoing and a perfect planner at the same time.”
“In an ideal world, my partner would know what I wanted. But I realised he’s just not the type to watch romantic movies, he’s not into social media, and while he is a romantic guy in the sense that he makes it clear he loves me, he’s not romantic in the stereotypical way that’s portrayed in media.”
Is social media setting impossible proposal standards?
“It’s tough because social media certainly makes you think that proposals should be perfectly orchestrated. Do you know how many people do a fake proposal all over again so it can be captured? A lot. Why? Because their hair wasn’t perfect, their nails needed to be done, etc.”
“Social media is too much. It makes us constantly compare every experience and craft our experiences to be picture perfect. It’s exhausting! If we didn’t see all these elaborately planned (and some staged) proposals, would we still feel this way?”
Maybe the proposal didn’t go to plan for your partner either.
“My now fiancé was very nervous to propose, even though we had talked about it extensively and picked out the ring together. I know he loves me very much, even if he didn’t come up with an elaborate speech.”
“I knew my wife would say yes and I was still a nervous wreck. I barely got out “Will you marry me?” And I pride myself on my verbal communication!”
“I was initially disappointed that all he said was “Will you marry me,” but I asked him about it and he told me that he didn’t think he’d be able to get through a speech! We decided we’re going to write our own vows so we both have a chance to share how we feel.”
What if you’re embarrassed to tell your engagement story?
“It’s been a few years since my proposal and it’s tough still to think about – I definitely get embarrassed sharing it. We only told our close friends and family the whole story. For everyone else, I just say, “He asked me to be his best friend forever” and leave it at that.”
“I liked my proposal but I’m still uncomfortable talking about it and telling the story to everyone. It’s such a personal question and intimate moment. Usually I just say it was simple and quick but very sweet…he asked me, I said yes. They don’t need any more details.”
So, what do you do now?
Talk about it together
“I was upset, but we talked through it the next day. It helped to share how I was feeling and hear his side of things. We’re engaged and happy and starting to plan our wedding now.”
“I wasn’t a fan of how I was proposed to (hiking while looking like a hot mess). But my partner knows that and now it’s something we laugh about. The important thing is that I was honest with him and he was honest about why he chose that place and time. It was 100 times better than stewing over it and getting more resentful by the minute.”
Plan a proposal do-over
“We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve never told my husband how I felt about the proposal – it still bothers me that I don’t have a cool story. I would have an honest conversation with them, give them the ring back and ask them to surprise you in a way that’s more your style.”
“The day after my partner proposed, I broke down and told him how I was feeling and we agreed to try it again. We didn’t tell anyone about the original proposal and a few months later he proposed again in a more personal way.”
“Redos or more staged second proposals can be fun! My husband spontaneously asked in our home which was sweet but not exciting and I wasn’t too thrilled about it at the time. So we kept it quiet and did a second round with family and photos.”
Accept the moment and create new memories
“I think there’s a difference between expressing your disappointment because it’s bothering you, and saying ‘not good enough, do it again’. Giving back that symbol of your engagement could really hurt your partner. Instead of a do-over, can you ask them to plan a romantic date or getaway for the two of you as a surprise, maybe for your anniversary? Your proposal happened and there’s no way to get around that, but you can recapture that feeling of being loved and surprised in other ways.”
“My advice is to not try to propose again. Keep that memory as I think you’ll both look back later and enjoy the simplicity. This is real life and sometimes it gets in the way of the fantasy!”
“It’s totally valid to have mixed feelings about your proposal, but you have the power to plan a special date night to celebrate your new status as an engaged couple! Your partner did the first part (asking the question), now you can handle the second (a private celebration).”
“Don’t make the mistake of pinning memories on one moment in time – your engagement is more than a single day. Figure out what you want to do to celebrate it, then go do that.”
“I recommend organising an engagement shoot to take some super romantic photos where you both look amazing. It’s a great way to make some more positive memories around your proposal, and you can recreate the moment if you’d like to.”
“You can’t change the past, but perhaps organising a photo session, taking a day off work together and going somewhere new and different, or making another special memory together will help dull the disappointment of the proposal not being what you hoped it would be.”
Wise words from lovebirds who still got married after a disappointing proposal
“My proposal wasn’t all that special, but what that decision meant for our future together certainly was, and that’s so much more important. Try not to focus too much on the when and where, and instead on the who and why.”
“We’ve moved past it, but dang it stung in the moment! He isn’t perfect, neither am I, but he’s still a great life partner – even if he’s not the best proposer.”
“Not loving your proposal can mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, if you let it mean nothing. No matter what, accept your feelings as valid and try to focus on all the good times you get to share with your partner from here.”
“It might not have happened the way you imagined it, but you and your partner decided out of everyone in the whole world, it’s you and them together forever. I think no matter the circumstances, that’s pretty special.”
“How they pop the question is way less important than the outcome. A proposal is five minutes, but marriage is for life! And you will have so many exciting, wonderful things to experience together.”